this blog no longer a lovely diary for one lovely couple.
yes.since its abandoned,maybe i can just use it to record all my secrets in here.From now on,i dont and i wont show out the real side of me.All my past,all my bad memories,they just make me look stupid,again and again.
yesterday,really a bad day for me.Something that i dont wish to happen,finally...it comes true.I Keep asking myself,why?cant get to celebrate our 30th week,7th month,one year anniversary..
I wished,i could celebrate every single celebration with him,yet,im not given this chance.How much i hope,i could celebrate Chirstmas with him,exchanging presents..celebrate Valentine's day,giving each other a lovely kiss on lips.Why i never given a chance to do so?Im not greedy.I dont ask him to stay beside me everyday,every single minute.I tried my best to tolerate.Even sometime,when i really need him..i can just wait,i dont blame him.
When he told me,"i guess you know what i want to say".That time,i wish i couldnt hear what he say,i wish i can just close my ears,i wish...he will say,i love you..once again.Words,stabbed in my heart,so deeply.Again,my scars bleed.New wounds,i can feel the pain from them.I can do nothing but just cry.This time,no shoulder for me to cry on.I always want him to hold me,but,on that time,he hold my hand,i shake his hand off hardly.He hold my hand,not because he feel sad when he saw me crying,but wanted to stop me from running away,and throw all those words on me.
I ran away.I dont know where to go,i felt helpless.I sat down on the rock bench beside field,looking around.Who can come and help me?Who can talk to me?When i saw Bing Xiong walking towards me,i cried like i never before.My hopes,all gone in just once second.Mental collapsed.
Bing Xiong comfort me.Saying:"he wait until now only tell you because he dont want ruin your exam,he suffered for few days".How about me?you know how much i suffered?Do you know the feeling of studying until 1 o'clock in the morning and cry until i can fall asleep?Can you feel how is the feeling of waiting someone's msg for whole day, and he just msg u and saying that he very tired,he need some rest?Do you know how much i hope that,on my special day,you will be bit more different than usual,you will msg me more than usual,you will accompany me more?Do you know,i need you on that day?Do you know how much pain i feel everyday?
"We together celebrate every anniversary,our half year,one year,two year..every year.ok?"
"I will never let go your hand.."
"If you need me,when you hug me,i will know.."
"This is the first birthday i celebrate for you,although we can celebrate together on this day but my heart will be with you."
"Remember,im always at ur side.."
"You are who you are,i love the way you are and im proud of it."
"You make me smile when im sad,makes me laugh when im emoing,accompany when im lonely,give me love when i need it,the most important is..you make me fell in love like never before..."
"You are my first gf and LAST gf..."
Do you know how serious i take all this words?Why,again...you threw me down when i hope for everything so much?!Why,you promised me you wont treat me like how other treat me,isnt it?you promised you will celebrate my birthday every year with me?Why.........?
I wanted to hate you so much,but i cant.I will keep you in my heart,nobody can stop me.my love will just go on.i dont care my much i hurt,how much tears flow from my eyes.I will still keep RawrRawr with me,i will keep every single msg you send me,keep everything you give me.This is all i want to do.
Cause,I will never found someone really love me.
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